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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sky questions

I hate asking how you are and hearing 'fine', knowing that you are lying to my face, yet you don't really know what else to say and you hate that question.

So instead, I'm going to start asking what colour your sky is today. Not anyone else's, just yours. You'll tell me an honest colour.

Sometimes I'll ask why, and some of those sometimes, you'll tell me and I'll see the answer in your eyes.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Lord, what are You doing with Josh* (not his real name) and why? The answer always boils down to trust and love in every situation that we discuss. It can be diffused into many different situations, angles, etc but it always comes back to love.

What is the block that he has? Why is he going through this - what are You trying to teach him, to do with him? He's hurting - really badly.

I don't know what to do! Is there anything for me to do? You had me praying for him - was that for me, for him or for both of us? I can understand that through it You brought me to prayer and taught me a lot and I'll ever be grateful for it, but was it simply put on my heart to teach me or did You want me to affect things and changes for Josh?

We talk and he gets things out but we simply talk in circles and go over things he already knows and has already thought out - it also feels like it's for my benefit... I want for Josh to be healed in his heart, to find You, to understand You, that You would be his overwhelming passion and not these dreams.

I know You created him with these dreams, Daddy, but right now they're overwhelming him and he doesn't know how to put You above them. He desperately desires to do so but it's all mechanical - he's doing these things because he knows he should, because all these disciplines are 'the key' to drawing closer to You. Yet he feels like heaven is sealed to him in this life; he will know it one day because he believes in his head and professes Christ, but the emotional side is not there and he sees nothing of You reaching out to him. It's not real to him.

Jesus Christ, for both of us - help us to understand Your death on the cross as more than a big 'yay'. What does it truly mean and how are our lives affected because of that? Not just our eventual destinations of heaven vs hell, but what does that mean in our day to day lives?

Josh says that he sees no difference between the life of Christians and other people in as such that we all suffer, go through pain, that You do not have to bless us or do anything for us - there is common grace for all: how is that different for a Christian than for a non-Christian?

I see that You walk through these circumstances with us and we ... ugh, never mind.

You know what? I don't think I'll ever understand where Josh is at because he searches for true happiness and is coming up empty-handed, whereas I find joy and happiness in so many things. I have a capacity to trust, to love and to receive love where he finds none. Why is this so?

Daddy You see how this lack is hurting him, is almost literally killing him! So why do You allow it to go on so? Now that I have become involved - is this where You want me or am I simply making it my own business? If it IS where You want me, what am I to do? Nothing I can say will help - I do not understand and I don't think I'm asking him any new questions or getting him to think about things that he hasn't thought about before. All I can do is pray, yet I feel that in this also I am going around in circles...

Lord God, please TEACH ME HOW TO PRAY! I continue to lift this up before You and I know this means I have to make sacrifices of my time and spend it before You in prayer if I am to learn; learning comes from doing in this case.

Lord God, if there is ANYTHING I can do to help him, any way You would use me to comfort Josh, to teach him, to open his eyes to anything, then please show me how or don't even show me - simply use me! I want to be used for You, Daddy. Use me to help Josh to know Your love for him in a way he can understand it in the present, not just some future moment.

This is a strong, amazing man who is very weak, scared and hurting right now. He is not what You have created him to be. Perhaps he needs to go through things and refinement until he gets there, but what about love? Is it possible for man to continue going forth without feeling that we are loved somehow, by someone somewhere?

He doesn't do things in small steps - he goes for the top and if he crashes then at least he will have gone down fighting for what he wants, for his dreams. Right now, however, he knows that his dreams are above You and that shouldn't be the case but he doesn't know how to change that. Do I know how to change that? I don't think so - I guess simply by continually making choices that put Your will above our own, but Josh seems to be lost as to what Your will is for him so he doesn't know which way to turn.

Holy Spirit - please touch his heart. Give Josh a heart of flesh, not a heart of stone. It's hurting, so he knows how to feel - he knows something is missing. Please give him something to hope in - help him to hope. In these things where he wants to sort it out, wants to understand, wants to get better, can You please take the first step, the second, third and however many is necessary? He is down and wounded and cannot fight this battle for himself. Please Holy Spirit, intercede! Fight for him, lift him up - would You be his strength while he is weak?

I know You are reaching out to him in many ways - I can see it! He can't. Speak to him in ways that he can understand that You are reaching out to him, that You love him. Please open his eyes, show him how to see, to see what You are doing in and through his life!

I know I'm asking big things, but why not? I feel like I'm going to lift up whatever I can to you right now, because if I do and the answer is no, then at least I tried. I'm doing my part and leaving the rest up to You.

So right now I lift up Josh before You. Speak to him in ways he can understandYyou - in the ways of this world he is smart, but in trusting You like a little child - show him how to do it! Come in, pick him up, carry him in Your arms. He's wanting to follow his heart, his dreams - the only things he can see because he doesn't know what else to do. You have created him with these things but right now self is still an idol, but he desperately wants it not to be. Take away this idol Lord God and replace it with You!

Help him to know Your love above all else and to love You above all else.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

In Christ alone...

God has done much in my life, has taught me much and show me much of Himself. For awhile now, God has been central to my life and the reason why I do the things I do. You don’t end up on a Christian mission ship with the purpose of evangelising the world without loving God. However, I have also known that I am still incredibly selfish and that I like being in control of myself and my situation, whatever that may be.

So, I have been asking God to help me in surrendering completely to Him. I like to do things. I am a great do-er. Things to do in your Christian life, to be the good Christian – I have all those boxes ticked. But surrendering – that’s not doing, that’s letting go; the one thing I find the most difficult. So repeatedly, for the last year, I have been praying and asking God to help me, as I know this is something I can’t do myself.

Earlier this year, I was asked to start a gospel choir onboard. This was one of my dreams – at some point in my life I wanted to run a gospel choir and be part of a group of people joining together to worship God through song and share this joy with others. I had mentioned nothing of this to anyone else, so when I was approached, I felt it was God saying, “Okay, it’s time now”. So I accepted, knowing that in my own strength this was impossible. I have been trained in running a choir, yet felt completely inadequate and incapable of what the position entailed. I accepted because not only was it fulfilling a dream, but I knew it was a way of keeping myself dependent on God.

Halfway through this year, I was asked if I’d like to move to the school and become a teacher onboard Logos Hope. This was another desire I’d had and kept quiet – although personnel knew of my teaching qualifications, I’d made no noise about wanting to teach onboard. After the first full week of teaching, I’d had enough. I had a mini-breakdown and wanted to get out of the school and even off the ship altogether. Not only was I not feeling capable of the role I’d been given (teaching music, sport, computer technology and religion), but for the next 2 weeks I was supposed to take the 4 year olds while their teacher was on break, and also commandeer the entire school Christmas musical for the next few months.

That was when God gave me a gentle kick in the behind. He reminded me of how He’d called me to the school and I knew it. He also reminded me of Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and told me that I could do it, but only when God was doing it through me. The children I teach were all created by God; they are His. He is the only One fit to teach them, to guide them, to love them, to calm them down.

All my life, things have come quite easily. I enjoy a challenge, but whenever the challenge got too great I was easily able to find my way out or simply quit. This time God put me in a place where that was not an option – had I gone in tears to personnel, they would simply have reminded me that I’d been there one week and to at least give it a good go for another month or two. No, this time God did as I asked – He placed me in a position where I had no escape; it was trust in Him, surrender all or stay absolutely miserable.

Needless to say, I’m not a complete idiot – the next day I started over. Before beginning, I asked God to take over. I agreed that these children were His and I didn’t really know what to do with them properly. I asked that He be their shepherd and I simply the staff in His hands to use as He wills – this is His school and His classroom, not mine. I don’t think I have to tell you the difference it made, do I?

It is only when we come to the end of ourselves can we truly begin to find Christ in the way He intends. And more than that, He taught me that the joy we are supposed to have – the joy that shouts to the world that we are Christ’s and He is ours; it can only be true when it is not dependent on our circumstances but in Christ alone. No matter what is going on, whether we’ve had a bad day, if we find ourselves in debt, if our best friend has left us… we do not worship Christ because He may fix our problems if we pray hard enough – we worship Him because He is God and He alone is worthy. We can be joyful even in truly awful situations, not because we like the situation we are in, but because God is God regardless of our situation.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."

-Stuart Townend

Saturday, January 22, 2011

God's Mathematics

Arithmetic is where numbers fly like pigeons in and out of your head. ~Carl Sandburg, "Arithmetic"

Today, for the first time, I came across some maths that I can honestly say I love: God's math!

As young children we are taught to count 1, 2, 3, 4.
But God counts us: 1, 1, 1, 1.

We are all equal in God's sight. No member of the body of Christ is more or less important or useful than any other.

God may not deal with each of us in the same way, but that is because each of us is different and has different needs. In the end, however, we all fit together, we are all God's workmanship and each of us is loved, cherished and valued by our Heavenly Father.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Call for Prayer - the Journey Ahead

As the departure looms nearer - 4 sleeps - so too do my thoughts and emotions on the upcoming adventure.

To get you up to date, briefly: on Monday 10th January I leave to ultimately end up on the Logos Hope on about the 8th of Feb. Through a practical ministry of sharing books and literature, building and rebuilding, visiting, loving, caring and receiving we aim to bring knowledge, help and hope to the nations.

Amongst the many thoughts/emotions/etc going through my head and heart have been excitement about the journey ahead, sadness at leaving friends, relief at leaving home, curiosity as to what lies ahead and joy in serving Christ in this way.

Before I actually get to the ship, there is a bit of a journey to be had:

I leave Australia on Jan 10, stop over in Kuala Lumpur to meet a friend then fly to London.

I will be in London 3 nights from 11-14 Jan before flying to Germany. After a free weekend, the Global Orientation conference will last for 10 days (17-28 Jan). It will include such things as field orientation (learning more indepth details about the field to which you are going), discovery group (team-work, cross-cultural communication, culture shock), missions market (chance to learn about other fields OM works in - interactive with games, competitions, costumes etc), prayer groups, fellowship group (join with others from your country), receiving field meetings (meet with directors and fellow team mates of field you will be joining), home field meetings and 'farewell party' thrown by representatives from OM Australia.

After this, all heading to the Logos Hope fly to Dubai for 10 days of pre-ship training (PST). I have been given a barrage of terms to learn in anticipation of this such as 'port', 'starboard', 'man overboard' etc and we will be doing safety training in relation to living on a ship - ie water training with heavy clothing, CPR, life-boat handling, climbing up and down rope ladders with fire extinguishers etc and learning things more specific to the Hope and the ministry undertaken on/from her.

I then join the Hope in Dubai on approximately Feb 8th. This, I have a total peace about. The time in between, however, has my stomach in a knot. I don't know why. I know the entire two years will be, amongst many other things, a time of testing, learning and growth but something within me is anticipating the first major challenge/obstacle/stretching during the first 4 weeks.

I would really appreciate prayer about and during this time. Thanks! :)

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The Promise of Tomorrow

A promise is a wonderful thing

Full of possibilities and could-bes

Many people into my life You will bring

The ups and downs, the round and rounds

You know them all and You'll be with me as they come

What you have planned has no bounds

But the thing I do know

For your Word says:

He who promised is faithful.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Time To Say Goodbye

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

~Richard Bach

Goodbye has never been a favoured word in my vocabulary. I don't particularly understand why they are termed 'good' byes - byes are bad! However 'badbye' doesn't quite have the same ring to it. It is said that the term came about as a shortened version of the 'God be with you' parting phrase used until approximately the 16th century. Now this is one I can much better appreciate!

This particular parting is bittersweet. It is sad to be parted from current dear friends who have become as family, as well as my actual family. Having encountered such partings for significant time periods a few times previously, I am aware that no matter the good intentions, communication will often lessen severely and although people will be happy to hear from me, little or no effort may be made on their part and though my intentions be good, it will require much more of an effort from me also, being limited in form. I must say that since coming to Christ, I have found farewells slightly easier, knowing that despite the distance that there is always prayer, connecting us in heart, mind and spirit via the Father.

The sweetness lies in that I am obeying and leaving to go where my Lord has called me. The joy in obedience is incredibly sweet; knowing that my actions are pleasing God, that they have order and purpose as I step out in serving Him, worshipping Him and proclaiming and glorifying His name in this new way. It is this I must cling to, and also remember that with some partings there will be new meetings - an adventure lies ahead...

God be with you till we meet again;

By His counsels guide, uphold you,

With His sheep securely fold you;