Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sky questions




I hate asking how you are and hearing 'fine', knowing that you are lying to my face, yet you don't really know what else to say and you hate that question. 

So instead, I'm going to start asking what colour your sky is today. Not anyone else's, just yours. You'll tell me an honest colour. 

Sometimes I'll ask why, and some of those sometimes, you'll tell me and I'll see the answer in your eyes. 





Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Lost in no love...




Lord, what are You doing with Josh* (not his real name) and why? The answer always boils down to trust and love in every situation that we discuss. It can be diffused into many different situations, angles, etc but it always comes back to love.

What is the block that he has? Why is he going through this - what are You trying to teach him, to do with him? He's hurting - really badly. 

I don't know what to do! Is there anything for me to do? You had me praying for him - was that for me, for him or for both of us? I can understand that through it You brought me to prayer and taught me a lot and I'll ever be grateful for it, but was it simply put on my heart to teach me or did You want me to affect things and changes for Josh? 

We talk and he gets things out but we simply talk in circles and go over things he already knows and has already thought out - it also feels like it's for my benefit... I want for Josh to be healed in his heart, to find You, to understand You, that You would be his overwhelming passion and not these dreams.

I know You created him with these dreams, Daddy, but right now they're overwhelming him and he doesn't know how to put You above them. He desperately desires to do so but it's all mechanical - he's doing these things because he knows he should, because all these disciplines are 'the key' to drawing closer to You. Yet he feels like heaven is sealed to him in this life; he will know it one day because he believes in his head and professes Christ, but the emotional side is not there and he sees nothing of You reaching out to him. It's not real to him.

Jesus Christ, for both of us - help us to understand Your death on the cross as more than a big 'yay'. What does it truly mean and how are our lives affected because of that? Not just our eventual destinations of heaven vs hell, but what does that mean in our day to day lives? 

Josh says that he sees no difference between the life of Christians and other people in as such that we all suffer, go through pain, that You do not have to bless us or do anything for us - there is common grace for all: how is that different for a Christian than for a non-Christian?

I see that You walk through these circumstances with us and we ... ugh, never mind.

You know what? I don't think I'll ever understand where Josh is at because he searches for true happiness and is coming up empty-handed, whereas I find joy and happiness in so many things. I have a capacity to trust, to love and to receive love where he finds none. Why is this so?

Daddy You see how this lack is hurting him, is almost literally killing him! So why do You allow it to go on so? Now that I have become involved - is this where You want me or am I simply making it my own business? If it IS where You want me, what am I to do? Nothing I can say will help - I do not understand and I don't think I'm asking him any new questions or getting him to think about things that he hasn't thought about before. All I can do is pray, yet I feel that in this also I am going around in circles... 

Lord God, please TEACH ME HOW TO PRAY! I continue to lift this up before You and I know this means I have to make sacrifices of my time and spend it before You in prayer if I am to learn; learning comes from doing in this case. 

Lord God, if there is ANYTHING I can do to help him, any way You would use me to comfort Josh, to teach him, to open his eyes to anything, then please show me how or don't even show me - simply use me! I want to be used for You, Daddy. Use me to help Josh to know Your love for him in a way he can understand it in the present, not just some future moment.

This is a strong, amazing man who is very weak, scared and hurting right now. He is not what You have created him to be. Perhaps he needs to go through things and refinement until he gets there, but what about love? Is it possible for man to continue going forth without feeling that we are loved somehow, by someone somewhere? 

He doesn't do things in small steps - he goes for the top and if he crashes then at least he will have gone down fighting for what he wants, for his dreams. Right now, however, he knows that his dreams are above You and that shouldn't be the case but he doesn't know how to change that. Do I know how to change that? I don't think so - I guess simply by continually making choices that put Your will above our own, but Josh seems to be lost as to what Your will is for him so he doesn't know which way to turn.

Holy Spirit - please touch his heart. Give Josh a heart of flesh, not a heart of stone. It's hurting, so he knows how to feel - he knows something is missing. Please give him something to hope in - help him to hope. In these things where he wants to sort it out, wants to understand, wants to get better, can You please take the first step, the second, third and however many is necessary? He is down and wounded and cannot fight this battle for himself. Please Holy Spirit, intercede! Fight for him, lift him up - would You be his strength while he is weak? 

I know You are reaching out to him in many ways - I can see it! He can't. Speak to him in ways that he can understand that You are reaching out to him, that You love him. Please open his eyes, show him how to see, to see what You are doing in and through his life! 

I know I'm asking big things, but why not? I feel like I'm going to lift up whatever I can to you right now, because if I do and the answer is no, then at least I tried. I'm doing my part and leaving the rest up to You.

So right now I lift up Josh before You. Speak to him in ways he can understandYyou - in the ways of this world he is smart, but in trusting You like a little child - show him how to do it! Come in, pick him up, carry him in Your arms. He's wanting to follow his heart, his dreams - the only things he can see because he doesn't know what else to do. You have created him with these things but right now self is still an idol, but he desperately wants it not to be. Take away this idol Lord God and replace it with You! 

Help him to know Your love above all else and to love You above all else.