IF

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,

then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

-2 Chronicles 7:14

I was in the middle of prayer and bible reading this morning when I felt this massive weight of sadness and grief and started crying so hard that it hurt and my body constricted and was shaking. Tears were coming so fast I could barely see to text a friend to pray. I had no idea what was going on, just that it was God doing something big but I didn't know what. I was confused and didn't know how to react, whether I was to pray for something, but I didn't know what as I started crying aloud and out to God, I didn't have words but he started giving me tongues - words were streaming out but I had no idea what they meant, just this overwhelming feeling of grief and sorrow more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my life. 

Then I started to get a sense of what it was that I was praying, that I was getting some of God's heart about his people and then it turned into a prayer for his people, part of which was: "God you are giving me your heart for your people - your immense sorrow that your people don't want to know you - their eyes and ears are closed, their backs are turned and hearts are cold toward you. How you weep and grieve over your people. O for revival in the church for the world to know you are the LORD God Almighty who was and is and is to come. In these last days your people are depraved - worshipping not just idols of wood and clay, but money, sex, power and THEMSELVES. When will they learn? How many times do you have to teach us before it is too late???" and at the end he gave me a scripture: 2 Chronicles 7:14 - "If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land".

After I just felt drained, exhausted and reflective, but without a sense of peace that it was finished. The last few days I have been asking for him to teach me how he wants me to pray and to receive his heart. It seems that is starting to happen but I know he will only give me what I can handle - and the love I have for my parents and wanting them to know him, that times it by every single person in the world who does not know him or those who do a little but not really following him wholeheartedly and that is the heart of God in this. Something so big that only God can bear it, but I have been given a piece of it and as he feels I'm ready, more may come.

A Visit to the Farm

"When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human powers of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realisation: inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given." -Richard Foster

The quote above surmises perfectly the lesson God has been trying to teach me of late. 

Frustrated at the plateau I appeared to have reached, I have been trying everything I can to keep moving forward with God, knowing there is so far to go and so much to learn and understand but not knowing how to get there.

From left and right have come the words: "Stop trying, just be", "relax in God", "stop striving", "slow down" and on it goes. I've been brought up with the mentality that if you want to move forward, that you have to do something about it - "God helps those who helps themselves". Well I have yet to find that in the Bible and God has been showing me that is not his way.

The more I learn of God, the more I realise how much more there is to know of Him - I'll never know it all, I have a very big God. That is both an amazing and wonderful thing and for me has also been daunting and frustrating at times. In this realisation, I had moved from a place of pride to inferiority - neither is a good thing. I'd moved from being able to see the growth achieved to seeing my inadequacies and imperfections and doing everything I could to improve and change.

Change and improvement in and of themselves are not bad or wrong, but because of my understanding that for those things to occur I had to do something, I was continuously faced with a conundrum: I'd say, "Lord, I want to surrender all to you, have you lead and guide me. I want to learn how to better hear from you - now, how do I go about doing that?"

It's ironic when you think of the meaning of surrender: to let go, to relinquish control. But God has been making it clear to me that it has got to come from him. Just like we can't do anything to earn salvation - that was achieved through Christ; so I have to allow God to do the work in me, being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

I had become frustrated at my lack of understanding/ability to allow this to happen, because simply doing nothing didn't work either; so thankfully God stepped in.

This weekend I visited a friend on a farm. It was a fun and special time sharing with an important friend and allowing God to minister to me in his way. Surrounded by beautiful mountains, varied wildlife, a relaxed atmosphere with an unhurried pace and no pressure, simply a chance to explore my surrounds, myself and my God - He was able to speak to me clearly and I listened. 

Indie - after a chat and a cuddle
we came to an understanding.
A sweet girl.

What a way to relax and unwind!
Brrrrmmmmmmm...

In a moment of calm & quiet, my friend
allowed me to take certain liberties.

Clarina knows how to make the best of some
nice hay and a beautiful day.

One of the more normal faces
that was seen this weekend.

Two good friends.

A spectacular moment captured on film!
As I nearly face-planted, something held me back
and kept me from getting dunked.
So it is with God.

I have returned from the farm with a new understanding, a new sense of peace and some wonderful memories. Now to simply be with God, walking in His disciplines as I put myself in a place where God is able to work within me and see where his path continues...