Father God, HELP! Can you please get me out of here???
I know that this is supposed to be shaping me and molding me and strengthening me and whatever else you have for me to learn, and that hopefully it's doing something in the lives of my parents but I'm not sure it's worth it.
All I'm doing is failing and being hurt, again and again and it HURTS, God, it's really not fun. But you know this already yet you keep me here. It's only 3 months to go, yet I sometimes wonder if I can make it that long.
Everything I say comes out wrong. My every weakness and mistake is exposed, before eyes that don't know you - I'm not a good witness, I fall down at every single hurdle. Then when I think I'm doing right, parts of what I say are ignored, words are twisted and before you know it, apparently I've said and done something very different than what is fact.
I can't see one single positive thing in this situation, and I know you don't need me to help you Father, but wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't a hindrance every step of the way??? I'm not blameless in all of these situations, I know that and I admit it; but other than simply not saying a single word or not being at home, I don't see how that can be fixed. And when I'm not home then that is complained about, that I don't spend enough time with my family, but every moment that is spent here is so incredibly painful, for me and for them too, I'm sure.
God, I just long for them to know you, the love that you have for them, the grace and mercy you extend to them. Please open their eyes to who you are, Father God. Every day I learn more about who you are and understand more and see what their lives could be with you in it; and they are great people and have so much to offer, to be a part of the body of Christ, to understand where they fit in, to have a future and a hope, to know the joy that comes of being in a relationship with the creator of the universe, our Heavenly Father... I long for that day, for them, for You, for me - nobody wants to know their parents might miss out on heaven.
Father, help me to see my parents through your eyes, to love them as you love them. Please give me the words to speak into each situation, that they may see you in spite of me. Continue to smooth my rough edges, give me patience, wisdom, gentleness, kindness, self-control and above all a soft heart to what you have to say to me and a willingness to change, to learn, to grow and to love.
Two things I know for a fact impact non~believers more than anything else: 1. not feeling the need to continually go on & on about my faith [because they know & are watching to see if I live what I believe lol] & 2. living with joy, esprcially in difficult circumstances. Non~Christians find this one really hard to understand.
ReplyDeleteIf you seriously want more patience etc your circumstances are not about to change because it's in these circumstances we develop the fruit of the spirit. You have asked for 2 mutually exclusive things. You can be relieved of your circumstances or you can continue to grow.
Your best attack is prayer. lol They can't see & be offended by your prayers for them & the prayers of a righteous person are heard.
I think you need a slight change of focus. Worry less about your parents' salvation & more about standing in their shoes & seeing things from their point of view as this will help you deal with them in love, with greater patience & kindness etc. The hinderences will build spiritual muscle. We all dislike discipline but without it we remain flabby Christians, spiritually fat & weak. Lastly, where is your faith? Your trust? God will deal with your parents according to His loving mercy. You do not need to browbeat them, thus pre~empting the work of the Holy Spirit. You have shared the Good News. Pray & trust God to grow the seed you have planted. That is His work, not yours. You cannot force an early blooming. You cannot force salvation on them. You only have a short time remaining. Use it to enjoy who they are now, to spend time with them, love on them, give them little treats, take them for coffee or evening walks [well...once it stops raining lol], to talk about the things that interest them. Do not mention religion & if they bring it up, keep your conversation short for now. Let the Holy Spirit do His perculating. I know you find this advice difficult to follow. You think it goes against scripture but Jesus never chased after anyone begging them to believe Him & follow Him. He stated the facts then left the choice up to them. Free will isn't always an easy burden. ♥ OK getting down of my soapbox now. ☺
Hi Danielle, popping in from Ganeida's. What a beautiful blog you have! So fresh and alive like a 'garden' should be. :D
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ganeida's wise comment. I was the first Christian in my family and boy, can I so relate to what you are going through! I could do nothing right in my family's eyes. I was mocked, despised and persecuted by my own flesh and blood, because of my new-found faith.
I didn't even have to 'preach' at them, to rile them. Just my presence was enough to cause a literal uproar. I wasn't living at home at the time because I was a mother with 2 small children, who traveled a long way to see them, so had to stay with various members of the family. No matter which home I went to, it always ended the same, in arguments and hurtful conflicts.
Why? Why is that happening to you, as it did for me? Because it is a spiritual war. Just the very fact that you have the Holy Spirit in you, is enough to upset the spiritual realm around your family. That enemy wants to attack you, to pull you down, to make you feel so accused that you fight back. And fight back we do, to some degree. I know I did. It is a learning curve. Ask Him for eyes to see as He sees it. Don't look at the natural situation, look into the spiritual because that is where the battle is.
It is a long story, one that I won't bore you with here, but eventually, they came in, one by one. My family that is. And, I might add, the one who caused the most hurt to me, was one of the first ones into the Kingdom.
I don't know if there are other Christians in your family, but if not, you are what is called a 'pioneer'. You have to plow through virgin land, untouched by the Lord before now. It is tough because it is extremely weedy and overgrown. Think of the settlers (pioneers) in this country and the hard work and toil they faced to clear the land and establish a city. Well, we are sometimes called to 'pioneer' land for the Lord.
It is hard but He must think you up to the task, sweet sister.
I hope this encourages you, and I am blessed to come by your blog, to read of such a beautiful heart for the Lord.
Ganeida: thank you for your wisdom as always. You are right :) Feel free to get up on that soapbox any time - it seems I always need to hear it! I am taking your advice in refraining from commenting, though it seems many things are said in an effort to get me to bite, with sly looks included - my tongue has many bite marks, but I pray my silence is speaking volumes...
ReplyDeleteAmanda: how my heart needed to hear that, thank you!! Thanks for stopping by and commenting, I pray you are blessed by reading here.