Sky questions

I hate asking how you are and hearing 'fine', knowing that you are lying to my face, yet you don't really know what else to say and you hate that question. 

So instead, I'm going to start asking what colour your sky is today. Not anyone else's, just yours. You'll tell me an honest colour. 

Sometimes I'll ask why, and some of those sometimes, you'll tell me and I'll see the answer in your eyes. 

Lost in no love...

Lord, what are You doing with Josh* (not his real name) and why? The answer always boils down to trust and love in every situation that we discuss. It can be diffused into many different situations, angles, etc but it always comes back to love.

What is the block that he has? Why is he going through this - what are You trying to teach him, to do with him? He's hurting - really badly. 

I don't know what to do! Is there anything for me to do? You had me praying for him - was that for me, for him or for both of us? I can understand that through it You brought me to prayer and taught me a lot and I'll ever be grateful for it, but was it simply put on my heart to teach me or did You want me to affect things and changes for Josh? 

We talk and he gets things out but we simply talk in circles and go over things he already knows and has already thought out - it also feels like it's for my benefit... I want for Josh to be healed in his heart, to find You, to understand You, that You would be his overwhelming passion and not these dreams.

I know You created him with these dreams, Daddy, but right now they're overwhelming him and he doesn't know how to put You above them. He desperately desires to do so but it's all mechanical - he's doing these things because he knows he should, because all these disciplines are 'the key' to drawing closer to You. Yet he feels like heaven is sealed to him in this life; he will know it one day because he believes in his head and professes Christ, but the emotional side is not there and he sees nothing of You reaching out to him. It's not real to him.

Jesus Christ, for both of us - help us to understand Your death on the cross as more than a big 'yay'. What does it truly mean and how are our lives affected because of that? Not just our eventual destinations of heaven vs hell, but what does that mean in our day to day lives? 

Josh says that he sees no difference between the life of Christians and other people in as such that we all suffer, go through pain, that You do not have to bless us or do anything for us - there is common grace for all: how is that different for a Christian than for a non-Christian?

I see that You walk through these circumstances with us and we ... ugh, never mind.

You know what? I don't think I'll ever understand where Josh is at because he searches for true happiness and is coming up empty-handed, whereas I find joy and happiness in so many things. I have a capacity to trust, to love and to receive love where he finds none. Why is this so?

Daddy You see how this lack is hurting him, is almost literally killing him! So why do You allow it to go on so? Now that I have become involved - is this where You want me or am I simply making it my own business? If it IS where You want me, what am I to do? Nothing I can say will help - I do not understand and I don't think I'm asking him any new questions or getting him to think about things that he hasn't thought about before. All I can do is pray, yet I feel that in this also I am going around in circles... 

Lord God, please TEACH ME HOW TO PRAY! I continue to lift this up before You and I know this means I have to make sacrifices of my time and spend it before You in prayer if I am to learn; learning comes from doing in this case. 

Lord God, if there is ANYTHING I can do to help him, any way You would use me to comfort Josh, to teach him, to open his eyes to anything, then please show me how or don't even show me - simply use me! I want to be used for You, Daddy. Use me to help Josh to know Your love for him in a way he can understand it in the present, not just some future moment.

This is a strong, amazing man who is very weak, scared and hurting right now. He is not what You have created him to be. Perhaps he needs to go through things and refinement until he gets there, but what about love? Is it possible for man to continue going forth without feeling that we are loved somehow, by someone somewhere? 

He doesn't do things in small steps - he goes for the top and if he crashes then at least he will have gone down fighting for what he wants, for his dreams. Right now, however, he knows that his dreams are above You and that shouldn't be the case but he doesn't know how to change that. Do I know how to change that? I don't think so - I guess simply by continually making choices that put Your will above our own, but Josh seems to be lost as to what Your will is for him so he doesn't know which way to turn.

Holy Spirit - please touch his heart. Give Josh a heart of flesh, not a heart of stone. It's hurting, so he knows how to feel - he knows something is missing. Please give him something to hope in - help him to hope. In these things where he wants to sort it out, wants to understand, wants to get better, can You please take the first step, the second, third and however many is necessary? He is down and wounded and cannot fight this battle for himself. Please Holy Spirit, intercede! Fight for him, lift him up - would You be his strength while he is weak? 

I know You are reaching out to him in many ways - I can see it! He can't. Speak to him in ways that he can understand that You are reaching out to him, that You love him. Please open his eyes, show him how to see, to see what You are doing in and through his life! 

I know I'm asking big things, but why not? I feel like I'm going to lift up whatever I can to you right now, because if I do and the answer is no, then at least I tried. I'm doing my part and leaving the rest up to You.

So right now I lift up Josh before You. Speak to him in ways he can understandYyou - in the ways of this world he is smart, but in trusting You like a little child - show him how to do it! Come in, pick him up, carry him in Your arms. He's wanting to follow his heart, his dreams - the only things he can see because he doesn't know what else to do. You have created him with these things but right now self is still an idol, but he desperately wants it not to be. Take away this idol Lord God and replace it with You! 

Help him to know Your love above all else and to love You above all else.

In Christ alone...

God has done much in my life, has taught me much and show me much of Himself. For awhile now, God has been central to my life and the reason why I do the things I do. You don’t end up on a Christian mission ship with the purpose of evangelising the world without loving God. However, I have also known that I am still incredibly selfish and that I like being in control of myself and my situation, whatever that may be.

So, I have been asking God to help me in surrendering completely to Him. I like to do things. I am a great do-er. Things to do in your Christian life, to be the good Christian – I have all those boxes ticked. But surrendering – that’s not doing, that’s letting go; the one thing I find the most difficult. So repeatedly, for the last year, I have been praying and asking God to help me, as I know this is something I can’t do myself.

Earlier this year, I was asked to start a gospel choir onboard. This was one of my dreams – at some point in my life I wanted to run a gospel choir and be part of a group of people joining together to worship God through song and share this joy with others. I had mentioned nothing of this to anyone else, so when I was approached, I felt it was God saying, “Okay, it’s time now”. So I accepted, knowing that in my own strength this was impossible. I have been trained in running a choir, yet felt completely inadequate and incapable of what the position entailed. I accepted because not only was it fulfilling a dream, but I knew it was a way of keeping myself dependent on God.

Halfway through this year, I was asked if I’d like to move to the school and become a teacher onboard Logos Hope.  This was another desire I’d had and kept quiet – although personnel knew of my teaching qualifications, I’d made no noise about wanting to teach onboard. After the first full week of teaching, I’d had enough. I had a mini-breakdown and wanted to get out of the school and even off the ship altogether. Not only was I not feeling capable of the role I’d been given (teaching music, sport, computer technology and religion), but for the next 2 weeks I was supposed to take the 4 year olds while their teacher was on break, and also commandeer the entire school Christmas musical for the next few months.

That was when God gave me a gentle kick in the behind. He reminded me of how He’d called me to the school and I knew it. He also reminded me of Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and told me that I could do it, but only when God was doing it through me. The children I teach were all created by God; they are His. He is the only One fit to teach them, to guide them, to love them, to calm them down.

All my life, things have come quite easily. I enjoy a challenge, but whenever the challenge got too great I was easily able to find my way out or simply quit. This time God put me in a place where that was not an option – had I gone in tears to personnel, they would simply have reminded me that I’d been there one week and to at least give it a good go for another month or two. No, this time God did as I asked – He placed me in a position where I had no escape; it was trust in Him, surrender all or stay absolutely miserable.

Needless to say, I’m not a complete idiot – the next day I started over. Before beginning, I asked God to take over. I agreed that these children were His and I didn’t really know what to do with them properly. I asked that He be their shepherd and I simply the staff in His hands to use as He wills – this is His school and His classroom, not mine. I don’t think I have to tell you the difference it made, do I?

It is only when we come to the end of ourselves can we truly begin to find Christ in the way He intends. And more than that, He taught me that the joy we are supposed to have – the joy that shouts to the world that we are Christ’s and He is ours; it can only be true when it is not dependent on our circumstances but in Christ alone. No matter what is going on, whether we’ve had a bad day, if we find ourselves in debt, if our best friend has left us… we do not worship Christ because He may fix our problems if we pray hard enough – we worship Him because He is God and He alone is worthy. We can be joyful even in truly awful situations, not because we like the situation we are in, but because God is God regardless of our situation.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."

-Stuart Townend

God's Mathematics

Arithmetic is where numbers fly like pigeons in and out of your head.  ~Carl Sandburg, "Arithmetic"


Today, for the first time, I came across some maths that I can honestly say I love: God's math!

As young children we are taught to count 1, 2, 3, 4.
But God counts us: 1, 1, 1, 1.

We are all equal in God's sight. No member of the body of Christ is more or less important or useful than any other.

God may not deal with each of us in the same way, but that is because each of us is different and has different needs. In the end, however, we all fit together, we are all God's workmanship and each of us is loved, cherished and valued by our Heavenly Father.

Call for Prayer - the Journey Ahead

As the departure looms nearer - 4 sleeps - so too do my thoughts and emotions on the upcoming adventure. 

To get you up to date, briefly: on Monday 10th January I leave to ultimately end up on the Logos Hope on about the 8th of Feb. Through a practical ministry of sharing books and literature, building and rebuilding, visiting, loving, caring and receiving we aim to bring knowledge, help and hope to the nations. 

Amongst the many thoughts/emotions/etc going through my head and heart have been excitement about the journey ahead, sadness at leaving friends, relief at leaving home, curiosity as to what lies ahead and joy in serving Christ in this way.

Before I actually get to the ship, there is a bit of a journey to be had:

I leave Australia on Jan 10, stop over in Kuala Lumpur to meet a friend then fly to London.

I will be in London 3 nights from 11-14 Jan before flying to Germany. After a free weekend, the Global Orientation conference will last for 10 days (17-28 Jan). It will include such things as field orientation (learning more indepth details about the field to which you are going), discovery group (team-work, cross-cultural communication, culture shock), missions market (chance to learn about other fields OM works in - interactive with games, competitions, costumes etc), prayer groups, fellowship group (join with others from your country), receiving field meetings (meet with directors and fellow team mates of field you will be joining), home field meetings and 'farewell party' thrown by representatives from OM Australia.

After this, all heading to the Logos Hope fly to Dubai for 10 days of pre-ship training (PST). I have been given a barrage of terms to learn in anticipation of this such as 'port', 'starboard', 'man overboard' etc and we will be doing safety training in relation to living on a ship - ie water training with heavy clothing, CPR, life-boat handling, climbing up and down rope ladders with fire extinguishers etc and learning things more specific to the Hope and the ministry undertaken on/from her. 

I then join the Hope in Dubai on approximately Feb 8th. This, I have a total peace about. The time in between, however, has my stomach in a knot. I don't know why. I know the entire two years will be, amongst many other things, a time of testing, learning and growth but something within me is anticipating the first major challenge/obstacle/stretching during the first 4 weeks. 

I would really appreciate prayer about and during this time. Thanks! :)

The Promise of Tomorrow

A promise is a wonderful thing

Full of possibilities and could-bes

Many people into my life You will bring

The ups and downs, the round and rounds

You know them all and You'll be with me as they come

What you have planned has no bounds

But the thing I do know

For your Word says:

He who promised is faithful.

Time To Say Goodbye

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.  

~Richard Bach

Goodbye has never been a favoured word in my vocabulary. I don't particularly understand why they are termed 'good' byes - byes are bad! However 'badbye' doesn't quite have the same ring to it. It is said that the term came about as a shortened version of the 'God be with you' parting phrase used until approximately the 16th century. Now this is one I can much better appreciate!

This particular parting is bittersweet. It is sad to be parted from current dear friends who have become as family, as well as my actual family. Having encountered such partings for significant time periods a few times previously, I am aware that no matter the good intentions, communication will often lessen severely and although people will be happy to hear from me, little or no effort may be made on their part and though my intentions be good, it will require much more of an effort from me also, being limited in form. I must say that since coming to Christ, I have found farewells slightly easier, knowing that despite the distance that there is always prayer, connecting us in heart, mind and spirit via the Father.

The sweetness lies in that I am obeying and leaving to go where my Lord has called me. The joy in obedience is incredibly sweet; knowing that my actions are pleasing God, that they have order and purpose as I step out in serving Him, worshipping Him and proclaiming and glorifying His name in this new way. It is this I must cling to, and also remember that with some partings there will be new meetings - an adventure lies ahead...

God be with you till we meet again;

By His counsels guide, uphold you,

With His sheep securely fold you;

God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,

Till we meet at Jesus’ feet;

Till we meet, till we meet,

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Neath His wings protecting hide you;

Daily manna still provide you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

With the oil of joy anoint you;

Sacred ministries appoint you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

When life’s perils thick confound you;

Put His arms unfailing round you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Of His promises remind you;

For life’s upper garner bind you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Sicknesses and sorrows taking,

Never leaving or forsaking;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Keep love’s banner floating o’er you,

Strike death’s threatening wave before you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Ended when for you earth’s story,

Israel’s chariot sweep to glory;

God be with you till we meet again.

(Words by Jeremiah Rankin)

The fullness of the gospel message

"Preach the gospel. And if necessary, use words"

-commonly attributed to St Francis of Assisi

The past few days, I have been pondering many topics that run in and out of each other. Along the lines of what the definition of missions and a missionary would be and how the term 'missionary' even came about (for those of you wondering, one website says the word "mission" comes from the Latin word mitto, which was derived from the Greek word apostello. This latter word means "to send"). Then how would you describe the 'gift of evangelism', how would it be evidenced in a persons life and is it inextricably linked to the missionary call? 


This then led into what evangelism is, the different ways of evangelising, what the aim of evangelism is and what/how it is to be said and I was sent looking through the gospels with the intent of finding out 'what did Jesus do'? In Matthew chapter 8: "a teacher of the law came to him and said, "Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." Another disciple said to him, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." But Jesus told him, "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." (Mt 8:19-22).


Again in Luke, Jesus speaks of choosing Him over family and even our own lives. "Suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:31-33). 


These passages, among others, speak of a careful, well thought out decision. We often see, however, in the church where it is only the message of love that is spoken; people are chased after, pursued, pleaded and argued with to choose Christ. Yes, love is an important part of the gospel message: "For God so loved the world that he sent his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16) but it seems to be such a wishy-washy thing in the church today. Many new Christians quickly become disillusioned, having thought that life would become easier and without trouble and turmoil with God - they weren't told about the cost, didn't consider it. Christ left nobody disillusioned - instead it was more likely that one would turn away considering the cost too high. He told them the cost and then taught them to repent! "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish." (Luke 13: 2-3). 


This may seem harsh, but what is more loving: telling someone the whole truth and allowing them to come to an informed decision knowing that Jesus is not a ticket to a free ride through difficulties, but that "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33). OR for someone to be told 'Jesus loves you, come have an easy life' where they will simply expect ease and happiness without repentance and at the end have their earthly treasures burnt up (2 Peter 3:10-11) and perhaps hear God say, "I never knew you" (Matthew 7:23)? 

"In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when men will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry." 

-2 Timothy 4:1-5

Father God, thank you for sending your Son to die on the cross for me, for us all. Thank you that I was told the true gospel message and truly know you and have the opportunity to learn more and more each day. Lord, as I was given the choice of accepting the gift of salvation, so I hunger to ensure others have that same choice. I pray that my life may be an example and a good testimony to your goodness and that as you bring others across my path that I would be able to listen and obey your promptings on when to speak and when to remain silent, on what to say - that my words would be your words. Father I pray that I wouldn't cause any to stumble by not sharing the entire truth, that I would be a loving and honest witness. In Jesus' name, amen. 


When I spoke to Ganeida earlier this evening and asked her thoughts on a question, she echoed back to me almost word for word some of the things going through my mind, however I don't know how well I have given them justice here or if this post has ended up what I intended as I began. So Ganeida, apologies if I seem to have borrowed your words/thoughts - I did give you an earlier disclaimer and I plead no intellectual property infringements!! :p

A Call to Prayer

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price." (I Cor. 6:19-20)

I found out about a year ago that there is one other small family group within our extended family that have a relationship with Jesus. This had been hidden from me, but when I found out was cause for great excitement. It brought about renewed communication, encouragement for my cousin that she had been praying for me for years and it's also encouraging for me to know there are others and we are praying for the same things!

My cousin's daughter (for privacy's sake, I'll call her Jess here - not her real name), currently 16 years old, has been on fire for God, maintaining a close walk with Him and had the wonderful opportunity to do 2 mission trips to a South American country where their group had a big impact and the chance to pray with the first lady of the country. So many exciting things going on in the life of this beautiful girl and God has been using her mightily already. 

Today I received a call for help for Jess in the following email (printed with permission):

We have found that she is basically addicted to two things…1) online pornography and 2) a relationship with a 24 year old South American man she met two summers ago. This is not your typical teenage crush. This man has actually traveled to the states and tried to meet up with her. Very extreme behavior in our opinion. We have contacted him, his church and the state department and this man still continues to pursue her. He even has a ‘countdown’ on his facebook page of the last time he saw her and the exact number of days until her 18^th birthday. She is obsessed with him. And even though we have blocked her internet at home, and her cell phone of his number, she continues to find ways to sneak communication with him. She goes over friends houses, borrows their phones, etc….

We have done everything in our power and so, honestly, we have given it to the Lord. Jess has no repentance, regret or even admission or confession at this point of any of these issues, even when confronted about them.

So we fast and pray, and wait on the Lord for wisdom. We know this is Satan’s attack on her to try to thwart the awesome impact she is having for God.

It also causes a problem with my family as they know much of the details of this and attribute it to our ‘Christian prison” we have raised her in…. she is rebelling against it in their opinion. While actually she still loves church and the Lord, she has too much pride and fear of condemnation (from man) if people were to find out and she were to confess. We have had many open discussions with her on this and it is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work in her.

So please pray. We pray the Lord will be victorious in her life and He will be glorified through it all.

I have been asked to pray and feel called to do so in my heart as well, continuously and I will be fasting on this issue also. I ask that you remember Jess in your prayers too, please. 

Jess is the fifth case of an under-20 Christian girl (it's not only the males who suffer with this) addicted to online pornography that I have been told about in the last 2 weeks. This highlights to me the strength it has and the destruction that this is wreaking, even throughout the church and in our young people. It has a long-lasting effect even after the addiction itself is broken and as well as putting up walls in a persons walk with God, the results of such an addiction can impact a person for the rest of their lives in the way they view relationships and in their own future relationships. 

As well as praying and fasting specifically for Jess, I will also be praying specific protection over our youth to keep them away from such an evil and for those who are already in its grasp, that they may be freed, find restoration in their relationship with Christ, healing from the impact of pornography and what it does to your mind and freedom from guilt and shame - that they would find at least one person they can be open and honest with, who can pray with and for them in this time. Please join me in this. 

7 Questions with 7 Answers...

"Judge of a man by his questions, rather than by his answers." 

-Voltaire

It seems I've been included in a blogging game - I love games, so I shall play along, Ganeida!




1. What is the one moment in your life you would love to live over again and why?
I firmly believe that all experiences combine to shape me into who I am today, so I am content to let them be. Some careless and hurtful things I may have said - those I would not repeat if given the chance. However who said that the living over had to be to fix a mistake? In my mind I relive several pleasant memories, enjoying past laughs and moments with friends, so I suppose that is a living over again of sorts...


2. Which historical figure would you like to meet & what is the one thing you'd really like to ask them? 
This is such a Ganeida-like question! ;) Not being a major history buff myself, whenever people have asked me that I never really have an answer, however upon further reflection, I think I would like to meet Mary, the mother of Jesus. I'm not sure I could limit my question to one, however. I'd love to know how Mary felt when Gabriel appeared, many questions about Jesus' life and then as she had to loosen her hold and come to know him as Saviour and Lord, rather than simply her son - how that was for her, amongst other things...


3. What is your heart's desire?
My heart's desire is to please my Father, that at the end I would hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant"; to live a life fully with Him and for Him.


4. What is my most irrational fear?
My biggest fear would be that I marry the wrong person. I believe that a marriage covenant is binding and that divorce is not an option (unless abuse is involved); therefore if not matched well with someone who shares the same beliefs, with whom mutual trust, respect and love can be reached - that would be as a jail sentence. I do think that it is somewhat irrational as I know that as long as it is in God's hands, that He will lead me to a man of His choosing and I can be content with that, nevertheless it is still there in the back of my mind.


5. Cat person or dog lover?
As much as I do enjoy cats, in my heart I am first and foremost a dog lover. They are not termed 'man's best friend' for no reason. 


6. If you could be a tree, what would you be and why?
Well, Lobstar - I'd say that question has already been answered! To you others out there, I have become known as the alter-ego of A Rathdowney Tree, also known as Lobstar's significant other! That may sound wrong, trust me it's not - merely a little odd. If I could choose something else though, perhaps a Moreton Bay fig tree. Living in the beautiful habitat of a rainforest, it is the perfect climbing tree and if I lived in a park or somewhere easily accessible, then I could enjoy children climbing all over me and having a great time!


7. When you meet Jesus, what is the thing you really, really want to say to Him?
Upon reaching heaven, I think my natural inclination would be to simply worship with music. As for what to actually say to Jesus - well we can talk with Him here and now, He is not far from us. We shall see when the time comes... I only know that it is something I long for dearly. 

As for passing this along, I think most people I would have sent this on to have already received it from somebody else, however if someone feels like answering these questions for yourself, go ahead!

His ways are higher

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways 

and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

-Isaiah 55:9

Reading a friend's post today, it made me think over whether I hold things loosely and allow God to do with them what He will, or whether there are some things that I consider mine, that I don't want to let go of. While friendships are something I have always struggled to hold loosely, I can see that is definitely something God is teaching me at the moment.

Thankfully, He has given me a success story that I can look back on and remind myself of God's faithfulness and how His ways are higher...

Since I was 7 years old, I have had the dream of becoming a professional orchestral musician playing the viola in orchestras in Australia and around the world. Everything was on track - I had always been the most advanced and accomplished musician in each school I attended, I was in the city, the state and the country's best orchestras much earlier than most and was always at the top of each. I was easily accepted to do a bachelor of music at university and offered scholarships to competing universities interstate to study music performance. I was already being privately tutored and doing workshops with some of the world's best musicians and playing professionally at 15 years old. 

Music was something I absolutely loved - I could get lost in it, playing multiple instruments. Playing an incredible masterpiece of music, composed centuries ago, playing with a group of like-minded people, in complete harmony with each other, the orchestra as a living, breathing organism with everyone playing individually yet completely aware of everyone around them and how it all fits together. Perfecting this in a single performance, sweeping thousands of audience members into a new world with you - it's a high that's incredibly hard to beat. (Since then, I have learnt that corporate worship is something equally amazing in the natural; only made better by the fact that it is God whom we are singing to and making music for and that it is more - worship is an exchange of hearts; something an orchestra cannot achieve). 

This is where my life was heading, until God stepped in. There was nothing wrong with that dream, but it was one which I was holding very tightly and would not release and God had other plans. Slowly He kept tapping on my shoulder and showing me a different path, asking me to hand over this dream to Him. After much resistance on my part, I stepped away from this dream and went where God was leading me - into school-teaching, then into missions on a ship and from there... where He leads.

Since this has happened, so much has changed in my life. I am headed in a completely different direction, but one I would not change for all the world. It is bringing me more challenges, more joy, more fulfilment and a closer walk with God than ever before. And since handing over that dream to God, He has since reshaped it, tweaked it a bit, and now handed it back to me. It looks very different, but still involves a life full of music - but now, He has given me the opportunity to learn new instruments I wouldn't otherwise have come to know, it is used to worship Him, helping others to worship Him, to teach others and build connections, to share and above all FOR HIS GLORY. What more could I ask?

Letting go was incredibly challenging, but infinitely rewarding. Once your life and all that is within it is touched by the fingerprints of our Creator, it will never ever be the same, but something more beautiful that can achieve more than you ever thought possible, because He works together all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). 

Father God, thank you that you love me and desire to give me the best; and the best is what comes from you. Thank you for shaping my life into what you want it to be. I pray that you would help me to continually hand all things over to you, knowing that some things may not return to me, but what does will then be infinitely better and more than I can ever imagine. Please continue to shape me also, into the woman of God you have made me to be - in your hands all things are possible. When that process is not pleasant, help me to understand that it is you working, that I may accept it and come to embrace those times as you smooth the rough edges into what you need me to become. That I may always desire your best, that you would be able to use me and that in spite of me, your name would be glorified. 

Create in me a clean heart O God...

Father God, HELP! Can you please get me out of here???

I know that this is supposed to be shaping me and molding me and strengthening me and whatever else you have for me to learn, and that hopefully it's doing something in the lives of my parents but I'm not sure it's worth it.

All I'm doing is failing and being hurt, again and again and it HURTS, God, it's really not fun. But you know this already yet you keep me here. It's only 3 months to go, yet I sometimes wonder if I can make it that long.

Everything I say comes out wrong. My every weakness and mistake is exposed, before eyes that don't know you - I'm not a good witness, I fall down at every single hurdle. Then when I think I'm doing right, parts of what I say are ignored, words are twisted and before you know it, apparently I've said and done something very different than what is fact.

I can't see one single positive thing in this situation, and I know you don't need me to help you Father, but wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't a hindrance every step of the way??? I'm not blameless in all of these situations, I know that and I admit it; but other than simply not saying a single word or not being at home, I don't see how that can be fixed. And when I'm not home then that is complained about, that I don't spend enough time with my family, but every moment that is spent here is so incredibly painful, for me and for them too, I'm sure.

God, I just long for them to know you, the love that you have for them, the grace and mercy you extend to them. Please open their eyes to who you are, Father God. Every day I learn more about who you are and understand more and see what their lives could be with you in it; and they are great people and have so much to offer, to be a part of the body of Christ, to understand where they fit in, to have a future and a hope, to know the joy that comes of being in a relationship with the creator of the universe, our Heavenly Father... I long for that day, for them, for You, for me - nobody wants to know their parents might miss out on heaven.

Father, help me to see my parents through your eyes, to love them as you love them. Please give me the words to speak into each situation, that they may see you in spite of me. Continue to smooth my rough edges, give me patience, wisdom, gentleness, kindness, self-control and above all a soft heart to what you have to say to me and a willingness to change, to learn, to grow and to love.

IF

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,

then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land."

-2 Chronicles 7:14

I was in the middle of prayer and bible reading this morning when I felt this massive weight of sadness and grief and started crying so hard that it hurt and my body constricted and was shaking. Tears were coming so fast I could barely see to text a friend to pray. I had no idea what was going on, just that it was God doing something big but I didn't know what. I was confused and didn't know how to react, whether I was to pray for something, but I didn't know what as I started crying aloud and out to God, I didn't have words but he started giving me tongues - words were streaming out but I had no idea what they meant, just this overwhelming feeling of grief and sorrow more powerful than anything I've ever felt in my life. 

Then I started to get a sense of what it was that I was praying, that I was getting some of God's heart about his people and then it turned into a prayer for his people, part of which was: "God you are giving me your heart for your people - your immense sorrow that your people don't want to know you - their eyes and ears are closed, their backs are turned and hearts are cold toward you. How you weep and grieve over your people. O for revival in the church for the world to know you are the LORD God Almighty who was and is and is to come. In these last days your people are depraved - worshipping not just idols of wood and clay, but money, sex, power and THEMSELVES. When will they learn? How many times do you have to teach us before it is too late???" and at the end he gave me a scripture: 2 Chronicles 7:14 - "If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land".

After I just felt drained, exhausted and reflective, but without a sense of peace that it was finished. The last few days I have been asking for him to teach me how he wants me to pray and to receive his heart. It seems that is starting to happen but I know he will only give me what I can handle - and the love I have for my parents and wanting them to know him, that times it by every single person in the world who does not know him or those who do a little but not really following him wholeheartedly and that is the heart of God in this. Something so big that only God can bear it, but I have been given a piece of it and as he feels I'm ready, more may come.

A Visit to the Farm

"When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human powers of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realisation: inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given." -Richard Foster

The quote above surmises perfectly the lesson God has been trying to teach me of late. 

Frustrated at the plateau I appeared to have reached, I have been trying everything I can to keep moving forward with God, knowing there is so far to go and so much to learn and understand but not knowing how to get there.

From left and right have come the words: "Stop trying, just be", "relax in God", "stop striving", "slow down" and on it goes. I've been brought up with the mentality that if you want to move forward, that you have to do something about it - "God helps those who helps themselves". Well I have yet to find that in the Bible and God has been showing me that is not his way.

The more I learn of God, the more I realise how much more there is to know of Him - I'll never know it all, I have a very big God. That is both an amazing and wonderful thing and for me has also been daunting and frustrating at times. In this realisation, I had moved from a place of pride to inferiority - neither is a good thing. I'd moved from being able to see the growth achieved to seeing my inadequacies and imperfections and doing everything I could to improve and change.

Change and improvement in and of themselves are not bad or wrong, but because of my understanding that for those things to occur I had to do something, I was continuously faced with a conundrum: I'd say, "Lord, I want to surrender all to you, have you lead and guide me. I want to learn how to better hear from you - now, how do I go about doing that?"

It's ironic when you think of the meaning of surrender: to let go, to relinquish control. But God has been making it clear to me that it has got to come from him. Just like we can't do anything to earn salvation - that was achieved through Christ; so I have to allow God to do the work in me, being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

I had become frustrated at my lack of understanding/ability to allow this to happen, because simply doing nothing didn't work either; so thankfully God stepped in.

This weekend I visited a friend on a farm. It was a fun and special time sharing with an important friend and allowing God to minister to me in his way. Surrounded by beautiful mountains, varied wildlife, a relaxed atmosphere with an unhurried pace and no pressure, simply a chance to explore my surrounds, myself and my God - He was able to speak to me clearly and I listened. 

Indie - after a chat and a cuddle
we came to an understanding.
A sweet girl.

What a way to relax and unwind!
Brrrrmmmmmmm...

In a moment of calm & quiet, my friend
allowed me to take certain liberties.

Clarina knows how to make the best of some
nice hay and a beautiful day.

One of the more normal faces
that was seen this weekend.

Two good friends.

A spectacular moment captured on film!
As I nearly face-planted, something held me back
and kept me from getting dunked.
So it is with God.

I have returned from the farm with a new understanding, a new sense of peace and some wonderful memories. Now to simply be with God, walking in His disciplines as I put myself in a place where God is able to work within me and see where his path continues...
    

my limitations vs God's power

"You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant - not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." 

-2 Corinthians 3:3-6

I acknowledge that I am yet a babe in my walk with Christ, no matter my yearning for it to be otherwise. The thing is to not let my limitations limit what God can do through me - that will always be the case; to not let ourselves limit God, no matter where we are at. As the above passage says, our competence comes from God so we need to have faith in him. After all, his power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Cor. 12:9).

Last night at my churches evening service, a friend had a word for me: each time he prayed for me, Chad felt that I didn't have enough confidence in God; that I realised all too well my limitations and wasn't allowing God to work through me in spite of myself. About 2 minutes later I had the opportunity to pray for Chad - he had a twisted pelvis and when he sat with legs out, his right leg was 1cm shorter than the left leg. After a brief prayer, I watched as Chad's right leg lengthened and evened out to be level with his left leg!! 

I'd heard of this and know of many people whom God has healed and I have no doubt that he does heal today, yet I had never had the privilege of praying and seeing the healing occur before my eyes. Now I have seen it happen, Chad said he could actually feel it happen and after I saw him stand and do various movements which had been previously been causing him pain for a few months. God is good!

It was exciting to note how God let me know there was something that needed to change, then immediately gave me the opportunity to change - simply by saying 'yes' and allowing him to move. I look forward to many similar occurrences!

Thank you Father God, for your healing hand upon Chad and for allowing me to be a tiny part of your plan. Thank you for the lesson learnt - I'm sorry for not having enough faith, but thank you that you love me enough to nudge me in the right direction and give me the chance to grow and see you do amazing things! Lord, I ask that you continue to prompt me, reveal my imperfections that they may be changed, for you to be glorified through my life, in Jesus' name.