In Christ alone...

God has done much in my life, has taught me much and show me much of Himself. For awhile now, God has been central to my life and the reason why I do the things I do. You don’t end up on a Christian mission ship with the purpose of evangelising the world without loving God. However, I have also known that I am still incredibly selfish and that I like being in control of myself and my situation, whatever that may be.

So, I have been asking God to help me in surrendering completely to Him. I like to do things. I am a great do-er. Things to do in your Christian life, to be the good Christian – I have all those boxes ticked. But surrendering – that’s not doing, that’s letting go; the one thing I find the most difficult. So repeatedly, for the last year, I have been praying and asking God to help me, as I know this is something I can’t do myself.

Earlier this year, I was asked to start a gospel choir onboard. This was one of my dreams – at some point in my life I wanted to run a gospel choir and be part of a group of people joining together to worship God through song and share this joy with others. I had mentioned nothing of this to anyone else, so when I was approached, I felt it was God saying, “Okay, it’s time now”. So I accepted, knowing that in my own strength this was impossible. I have been trained in running a choir, yet felt completely inadequate and incapable of what the position entailed. I accepted because not only was it fulfilling a dream, but I knew it was a way of keeping myself dependent on God.

Halfway through this year, I was asked if I’d like to move to the school and become a teacher onboard Logos Hope.  This was another desire I’d had and kept quiet – although personnel knew of my teaching qualifications, I’d made no noise about wanting to teach onboard. After the first full week of teaching, I’d had enough. I had a mini-breakdown and wanted to get out of the school and even off the ship altogether. Not only was I not feeling capable of the role I’d been given (teaching music, sport, computer technology and religion), but for the next 2 weeks I was supposed to take the 4 year olds while their teacher was on break, and also commandeer the entire school Christmas musical for the next few months.

That was when God gave me a gentle kick in the behind. He reminded me of how He’d called me to the school and I knew it. He also reminded me of Philippians 4:13 – I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength and told me that I could do it, but only when God was doing it through me. The children I teach were all created by God; they are His. He is the only One fit to teach them, to guide them, to love them, to calm them down.

All my life, things have come quite easily. I enjoy a challenge, but whenever the challenge got too great I was easily able to find my way out or simply quit. This time God put me in a place where that was not an option – had I gone in tears to personnel, they would simply have reminded me that I’d been there one week and to at least give it a good go for another month or two. No, this time God did as I asked – He placed me in a position where I had no escape; it was trust in Him, surrender all or stay absolutely miserable.

Needless to say, I’m not a complete idiot – the next day I started over. Before beginning, I asked God to take over. I agreed that these children were His and I didn’t really know what to do with them properly. I asked that He be their shepherd and I simply the staff in His hands to use as He wills – this is His school and His classroom, not mine. I don’t think I have to tell you the difference it made, do I?

It is only when we come to the end of ourselves can we truly begin to find Christ in the way He intends. And more than that, He taught me that the joy we are supposed to have – the joy that shouts to the world that we are Christ’s and He is ours; it can only be true when it is not dependent on our circumstances but in Christ alone. No matter what is going on, whether we’ve had a bad day, if we find ourselves in debt, if our best friend has left us… we do not worship Christ because He may fix our problems if we pray hard enough – we worship Him because He is God and He alone is worthy. We can be joyful even in truly awful situations, not because we like the situation we are in, but because God is God regardless of our situation.

"In Christ alone, my hope is found. He is my light, my strength, my song."

-Stuart Townend

Call for Prayer - the Journey Ahead

As the departure looms nearer - 4 sleeps - so too do my thoughts and emotions on the upcoming adventure. 

To get you up to date, briefly: on Monday 10th January I leave to ultimately end up on the Logos Hope on about the 8th of Feb. Through a practical ministry of sharing books and literature, building and rebuilding, visiting, loving, caring and receiving we aim to bring knowledge, help and hope to the nations. 

Amongst the many thoughts/emotions/etc going through my head and heart have been excitement about the journey ahead, sadness at leaving friends, relief at leaving home, curiosity as to what lies ahead and joy in serving Christ in this way.

Before I actually get to the ship, there is a bit of a journey to be had:

I leave Australia on Jan 10, stop over in Kuala Lumpur to meet a friend then fly to London.

I will be in London 3 nights from 11-14 Jan before flying to Germany. After a free weekend, the Global Orientation conference will last for 10 days (17-28 Jan). It will include such things as field orientation (learning more indepth details about the field to which you are going), discovery group (team-work, cross-cultural communication, culture shock), missions market (chance to learn about other fields OM works in - interactive with games, competitions, costumes etc), prayer groups, fellowship group (join with others from your country), receiving field meetings (meet with directors and fellow team mates of field you will be joining), home field meetings and 'farewell party' thrown by representatives from OM Australia.

After this, all heading to the Logos Hope fly to Dubai for 10 days of pre-ship training (PST). I have been given a barrage of terms to learn in anticipation of this such as 'port', 'starboard', 'man overboard' etc and we will be doing safety training in relation to living on a ship - ie water training with heavy clothing, CPR, life-boat handling, climbing up and down rope ladders with fire extinguishers etc and learning things more specific to the Hope and the ministry undertaken on/from her. 

I then join the Hope in Dubai on approximately Feb 8th. This, I have a total peace about. The time in between, however, has my stomach in a knot. I don't know why. I know the entire two years will be, amongst many other things, a time of testing, learning and growth but something within me is anticipating the first major challenge/obstacle/stretching during the first 4 weeks. 

I would really appreciate prayer about and during this time. Thanks! :)

A Call to Prayer

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own; you were bought with a price." (I Cor. 6:19-20)

I found out about a year ago that there is one other small family group within our extended family that have a relationship with Jesus. This had been hidden from me, but when I found out was cause for great excitement. It brought about renewed communication, encouragement for my cousin that she had been praying for me for years and it's also encouraging for me to know there are others and we are praying for the same things!

My cousin's daughter (for privacy's sake, I'll call her Jess here - not her real name), currently 16 years old, has been on fire for God, maintaining a close walk with Him and had the wonderful opportunity to do 2 mission trips to a South American country where their group had a big impact and the chance to pray with the first lady of the country. So many exciting things going on in the life of this beautiful girl and God has been using her mightily already. 

Today I received a call for help for Jess in the following email (printed with permission):

We have found that she is basically addicted to two things…1) online pornography and 2) a relationship with a 24 year old South American man she met two summers ago. This is not your typical teenage crush. This man has actually traveled to the states and tried to meet up with her. Very extreme behavior in our opinion. We have contacted him, his church and the state department and this man still continues to pursue her. He even has a ‘countdown’ on his facebook page of the last time he saw her and the exact number of days until her 18^th birthday. She is obsessed with him. And even though we have blocked her internet at home, and her cell phone of his number, she continues to find ways to sneak communication with him. She goes over friends houses, borrows their phones, etc….

We have done everything in our power and so, honestly, we have given it to the Lord. Jess has no repentance, regret or even admission or confession at this point of any of these issues, even when confronted about them.

So we fast and pray, and wait on the Lord for wisdom. We know this is Satan’s attack on her to try to thwart the awesome impact she is having for God.

It also causes a problem with my family as they know much of the details of this and attribute it to our ‘Christian prison” we have raised her in…. she is rebelling against it in their opinion. While actually she still loves church and the Lord, she has too much pride and fear of condemnation (from man) if people were to find out and she were to confess. We have had many open discussions with her on this and it is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work in her.

So please pray. We pray the Lord will be victorious in her life and He will be glorified through it all.

I have been asked to pray and feel called to do so in my heart as well, continuously and I will be fasting on this issue also. I ask that you remember Jess in your prayers too, please. 

Jess is the fifth case of an under-20 Christian girl (it's not only the males who suffer with this) addicted to online pornography that I have been told about in the last 2 weeks. This highlights to me the strength it has and the destruction that this is wreaking, even throughout the church and in our young people. It has a long-lasting effect even after the addiction itself is broken and as well as putting up walls in a persons walk with God, the results of such an addiction can impact a person for the rest of their lives in the way they view relationships and in their own future relationships. 

As well as praying and fasting specifically for Jess, I will also be praying specific protection over our youth to keep them away from such an evil and for those who are already in its grasp, that they may be freed, find restoration in their relationship with Christ, healing from the impact of pornography and what it does to your mind and freedom from guilt and shame - that they would find at least one person they can be open and honest with, who can pray with and for them in this time. Please join me in this. 

Create in me a clean heart O God...

Father God, HELP! Can you please get me out of here???

I know that this is supposed to be shaping me and molding me and strengthening me and whatever else you have for me to learn, and that hopefully it's doing something in the lives of my parents but I'm not sure it's worth it.

All I'm doing is failing and being hurt, again and again and it HURTS, God, it's really not fun. But you know this already yet you keep me here. It's only 3 months to go, yet I sometimes wonder if I can make it that long.

Everything I say comes out wrong. My every weakness and mistake is exposed, before eyes that don't know you - I'm not a good witness, I fall down at every single hurdle. Then when I think I'm doing right, parts of what I say are ignored, words are twisted and before you know it, apparently I've said and done something very different than what is fact.

I can't see one single positive thing in this situation, and I know you don't need me to help you Father, but wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't a hindrance every step of the way??? I'm not blameless in all of these situations, I know that and I admit it; but other than simply not saying a single word or not being at home, I don't see how that can be fixed. And when I'm not home then that is complained about, that I don't spend enough time with my family, but every moment that is spent here is so incredibly painful, for me and for them too, I'm sure.

God, I just long for them to know you, the love that you have for them, the grace and mercy you extend to them. Please open their eyes to who you are, Father God. Every day I learn more about who you are and understand more and see what their lives could be with you in it; and they are great people and have so much to offer, to be a part of the body of Christ, to understand where they fit in, to have a future and a hope, to know the joy that comes of being in a relationship with the creator of the universe, our Heavenly Father... I long for that day, for them, for You, for me - nobody wants to know their parents might miss out on heaven.

Father, help me to see my parents through your eyes, to love them as you love them. Please give me the words to speak into each situation, that they may see you in spite of me. Continue to smooth my rough edges, give me patience, wisdom, gentleness, kindness, self-control and above all a soft heart to what you have to say to me and a willingness to change, to learn, to grow and to love.

A Visit to the Farm

"When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human powers of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realisation: inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given." -Richard Foster

The quote above surmises perfectly the lesson God has been trying to teach me of late. 

Frustrated at the plateau I appeared to have reached, I have been trying everything I can to keep moving forward with God, knowing there is so far to go and so much to learn and understand but not knowing how to get there.

From left and right have come the words: "Stop trying, just be", "relax in God", "stop striving", "slow down" and on it goes. I've been brought up with the mentality that if you want to move forward, that you have to do something about it - "God helps those who helps themselves". Well I have yet to find that in the Bible and God has been showing me that is not his way.

The more I learn of God, the more I realise how much more there is to know of Him - I'll never know it all, I have a very big God. That is both an amazing and wonderful thing and for me has also been daunting and frustrating at times. In this realisation, I had moved from a place of pride to inferiority - neither is a good thing. I'd moved from being able to see the growth achieved to seeing my inadequacies and imperfections and doing everything I could to improve and change.

Change and improvement in and of themselves are not bad or wrong, but because of my understanding that for those things to occur I had to do something, I was continuously faced with a conundrum: I'd say, "Lord, I want to surrender all to you, have you lead and guide me. I want to learn how to better hear from you - now, how do I go about doing that?"

It's ironic when you think of the meaning of surrender: to let go, to relinquish control. But God has been making it clear to me that it has got to come from him. Just like we can't do anything to earn salvation - that was achieved through Christ; so I have to allow God to do the work in me, being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

I had become frustrated at my lack of understanding/ability to allow this to happen, because simply doing nothing didn't work either; so thankfully God stepped in.

This weekend I visited a friend on a farm. It was a fun and special time sharing with an important friend and allowing God to minister to me in his way. Surrounded by beautiful mountains, varied wildlife, a relaxed atmosphere with an unhurried pace and no pressure, simply a chance to explore my surrounds, myself and my God - He was able to speak to me clearly and I listened. 

Indie - after a chat and a cuddle
we came to an understanding.
A sweet girl.

What a way to relax and unwind!
Brrrrmmmmmmm...

In a moment of calm & quiet, my friend
allowed me to take certain liberties.

Clarina knows how to make the best of some
nice hay and a beautiful day.

One of the more normal faces
that was seen this weekend.

Two good friends.

A spectacular moment captured on film!
As I nearly face-planted, something held me back
and kept me from getting dunked.
So it is with God.

I have returned from the farm with a new understanding, a new sense of peace and some wonderful memories. Now to simply be with God, walking in His disciplines as I put myself in a place where God is able to work within me and see where his path continues...
    

Barriers or Not

I have just finished reading a fanfiction story. While normally that fact would be something reluctantly spoken of, perhaps even with a tinge of embarrassment, sometimes a jewel falls into your lap. Such was this story for me tonight. The story drew me in and kept me reading until the early hours of the morning, not willing to put it down. I knew it was amazing, not because of the hundreds of books I have read or because I only found 2 spelling errors in all 24 chapters (unfortunately, quite a rarity on a fanfiction site!), but because of the emotion it evoked in me.

I could feel the characters pain so intensely and the incredibly analytical mind of the author writing the analytical minds of the characters challenged me to not only appreciate the story and the writing and everything else, but to have a look at myself and my life and a myriad of things within. However what struck me the deepest, was the question that for the author to write so incredibly, in such detail, with such accuracy and reality - what has she faced in her life? What has her journey been? To be honest, I stopped periodically to think about that and to feel for the author - not pity, but to question, and to hope that she has faced what needed to be faced and emerged on the other side in one piece. Arriving at the end of the story, the resolution has mostly reassured me that if she isn't yet okay, she soon will be; perhaps the characters' journey was also partially hers - even if only in emotion rather than actuality.

However this story and all that has come with it has brought up an issue I've been faced with a few times in the last few months in particular: when someone else is going through or has gone through challenging times, and there is nothing I can do to help, how to react, empathise, etc etc - I can't even find words, that's how inept I feel. It has come up so many times in different situations with different people and most likely will continue to do so and quite often where God is taking me that this needs to be dealt with, or at least I need to come to some sort of understanding or conclusion, I believe.

The intense pain I feel on their behalf when hearing or realising the pain that others have experienced, and for some it is accepted as normal. Maybe to them it is, but I still feel that it shouldn't have to be. As I think through it, I suppose this is a questioning of God of sorts, of why people have to undergo such ordeals and pain. I know I have no right to question God and there are many things I may never understand or get a satisfactory answer to, however the injustices do not sit well with me.

So with this knowledge, then I turn to the fact that even though I cannot understand or change these things, how do I sympathise/relate/... to these friends and people on these topics? Will I be allowed in deeper, trusted with these things??? Without going through similar hurts and hardships myself, I'm not sure I can. Yes, I've had one or two massive hurdles that seemed more like giant brick walls at the time and many smaller ones that are simply part of life, but nothing to the extent of some situations.

On the other hand, do I need to? I can empathise where possible, be angry at injustices, but in the end, what is needed? What is wanted by the other person? From my own experience, sometimes simply a sympathetic and listening ear is all that is needed. Yes, our experiences can shape us and become part of who we will become yet they do not need to define us. Accepting a person for who they are currently and who they can become in Christ, listening and loving - if that is not enough then I don't know what is.

Ultimately, I cannot forget that my God is a big God. For every situation and relationship that He places in my path, He equips me - never giving me anything I can't handle WITH Him. And that is really all that matters.

Mistakes

?

something realised, something lost

then something found, but perhaps too late.

can it be fixed, can it go back to what it was, can it ever be more?

realisations that a little can be enough, it doesn't have to be all or nothing

never forgetting, but ever forgiven?

Obedience to God

"The golden rule for understanding in spiritual matters is not intellect, but obedience."

-Oswald Chambers

"Our love is a response to God's love. Likewise our obedience flows from our gratitude of what He has done for us".

Jack Kuhatschek

How much does my obeying or disobeying God affect things? There are the big things and the little things. The big things such as listening to the direction He has for your life or if He shouts "NO!" but you decide to go your own way... If I had been disobedient to God in the big things, I wouldn't be qualified as a school teacher or heading out to the mission field next year. But what about the little things? (I know one could argue that the little things can have a huge impact also, but please just go with me on this one for the moment!) If He gives me a word to share in church and I don't step up and do it, then He will often give it to somebody else to say and it will get said either way, so the church doesn't miss out however YOU then miss out on the blessing of having stepped out and been obedient, of knowing that really was God speaking to you and of being a blessing to somebody else.

However in other situations - such as in the supermarket and God gives you a word for a random person. Fear may hold you back - fear of rejection and ridicule, what the other person may think. However if you hold back in such a situation, is somebody else then going to step into the aisle and say, "well I have a word for you" in your place? Not usually. So then it affects the other person - if God truly has His hand on their life and you were supposed to be a step towards bringing them into relationship with Him, He will use other stepping stones, however how does that impact things? Our God is a big God and He can do things without us yet usually chooses to include us and offer us the opportunity to be a part of His plan.

And what about in my own home? God has made it clear to me that I am to speak with my father about his beliefs and to go back to the healing that occurred in his life a few years ago from cancer. Back then I didn't use it as a step towards spiritual healing (yes he was physically healed, but I believe it's better to be a sick person going to heaven than a healthy one going to hell...) however God has brought it up to me in recent times saying it's not too late. In fact, if I had brought it up with dad back then it may not have done much except perhaps tear us apart. Now, it may do the same thing, however my parents already think so lowly of my beliefs and the fact that I choose to cling to them and live my life accordingly that it can't get any worse and the only thing at stake here is my parents salvation - something worth making myself look foolish for.

I believe it's also a test of my obedience; when that moment comes, when God nudges me and says "now is the time, speak up", will I be obedient or will I chicken out? That's also when the matter comes up: is it being courageous and brave, or merely trusting and having faith? Being obedient to God shouldn't be about us, about me, but simply stepping out in faith, albeit a bigger step than usual! I sincerely hope I will be obedient and act upon the measure of faith given to me, however it's a real possibility that I may chicken out. I have no real idea what to say to dad beyond the initial question. I guess it's just a case of trusting that if God tells me to say something that He will then give me the words...

John 15:9-10 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love."

This is where the question of obedience stops being a question, in my eyes. It's a command - "remain in my love". How do we do that? "Obey my commands". It's as simple as that really. In theory, anyway...

Please pray that this will be the case, that I won't chicken out when God says it's time, that I'll be sensitive to His guiding particularly as this conversation takes place and continual prayer for both my parents would be appreciated if you have a moment.

you're looking into my heart

When the music fades & all is stripped away
And I simply come longing just to bring
Something that's of worth, that will bless your heart.

I'll bring you more than a song,
for a song in itself is not what you have required.
You search much deeper within,
through the way things appear - you're looking into my heart.

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
and it's all about you, all about you Jesus.
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it,
it's all about you Jesus, it's all about you.

King of endless worth,
no one could express how much you deserve.
Though I'm weak and small all I have is yours,
every single breath.

-Heart of Worship (Matt Redman).
---

With every step forward, there are more pitfalls to avoid. God has been teaching me and taking me further with Him through these past few months and I'm so grateful, it's been such a blessing! Yet I continually have to check myself for pride. It is such an ugly thing that the Lord detests, yet it is my biggest struggle... Just to be completely candid and honest with you all.

Proverbs 16:18-19 Pride goes before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud.

Proverbs 16:5 The Lord detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: they will not go unpunished.

Romans 12:16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Love... does not boast, it is not proud...



Whenever God pulls me up on this sin, it is such a kick in the rear and I fall back down to my knees - exactly where I should be. There He is able to teach me what is needed, yet as He moves me forward I stand back up. Why is it so hard to move forwards yet stay on my knees? I see a lifetime of surrendering everything and handing it back over to God time and time and time again... Is this one lesson I'll have to keep relearning for the rest of my life?

Is It For the Lord?

Acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. -1 Chronicles 28:9

From the earlier post of not wanting to come down from the mountain-top, God showed me the importance of taking the connection with him and the lessons learnt into everyday life to be able to impact others for Christ and fight the battles in the trenches. I had been concerned about losing that connection with God - how silly and insignificant do those worries seem. Looking back I can see God's hand on my life in the 17 years before I truly acknowledged Jesus as my Saviour, why would that change now that I'm in relationship with Him??

One of the next thoughts then was how do I use it to impact others and help others grow and see Jesus. And yes, this is a valid thought however God has made it clear that that is not to be my focus. Though yet all we do is seen, analysed and judged by others and that we can only hope to positively influence them for Christ, it IS NOT FOR THE WORLD or even the people who may gain salvation that we do what we do, but for Christ Himself; for His pleasure and glory.

He is to be our continual focus and the centre of my life. Only then is He able to use me for His purposes, but the key there is that it is God using me, not me doing things for Him in my own strength. So - why do we what we do; is it for people or is it for the Lord?

To be brutally honest, it doesn't really matter what place we find ourselves in right now. The point of our life is to point to God. Whatever we are doing, God wants to be glorified, because this whole thing is His.

"God is far more concerned about your finding your place in Christ Himself than your place in His service. The essential thing in Christian living is not where you are going or what you are doing but in whose strength you are living" - George Verwer.

All about God

A whirlpool. An accurate way to describe my mind right now. There are so many different thoughts swirling around up there in different shapes, sizes, colours but they're slowly melding and being pulled towards the centre to one main theme: God.
IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD.

Consider the controversial topic of conversion. Discussing 'Pascal's gambit', someone suggested it would be ideal to mention this to my non-Christian parents. However that's purely logic and conversion is a decision. Salvation, on the other hand is receiving from God, a gift that only Jesus can give us. Therefore to be saved is to respond to God, not a one-sided decision.

Response. That my entire life would be a response to God. Colossions 1:16 reads "For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. " Genesis 1:27: "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them". 1 John 4:19: "We love because He first loved us". God took the first step and because of that, everything we do should be a response to Him. We love because He first loved us. Everything we do should be praising and glorifying God, after all we were created for Him!

Even when we do things as a response, it is still not all from us. Colossians 1:4-5 "because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel...". The love and faith we have springs from our hope in heaven. How is that we can hope in heaven? Because of Christ's death on the cross for us (and how can one fail to react to that amazing act!?) and the fact that we know He is in heaven, we will one day meet Him there and that He is our hope - it is for these reasons that we have hope and faith and can offer love and hope. It is not our hope we share, but a hope born in Christ. Again, it's all about God. And how do we share that love, hope and faith? "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength". Only with God.

Blessed are they who keep His statutes and seek Him with all their heart. Father God, I seek You with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands. As the Son can do nothing by himself; He can only do what He sees His Father doing, let me only do what I see You do, Father God and only through Your strength within me. Amen.