Sky questions

I hate asking how you are and hearing 'fine', knowing that you are lying to my face, yet you don't really know what else to say and you hate that question. 

So instead, I'm going to start asking what colour your sky is today. Not anyone else's, just yours. You'll tell me an honest colour. 

Sometimes I'll ask why, and some of those sometimes, you'll tell me and I'll see the answer in your eyes. 

Time To Say Goodbye

Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.  A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.  

~Richard Bach

Goodbye has never been a favoured word in my vocabulary. I don't particularly understand why they are termed 'good' byes - byes are bad! However 'badbye' doesn't quite have the same ring to it. It is said that the term came about as a shortened version of the 'God be with you' parting phrase used until approximately the 16th century. Now this is one I can much better appreciate!

This particular parting is bittersweet. It is sad to be parted from current dear friends who have become as family, as well as my actual family. Having encountered such partings for significant time periods a few times previously, I am aware that no matter the good intentions, communication will often lessen severely and although people will be happy to hear from me, little or no effort may be made on their part and though my intentions be good, it will require much more of an effort from me also, being limited in form. I must say that since coming to Christ, I have found farewells slightly easier, knowing that despite the distance that there is always prayer, connecting us in heart, mind and spirit via the Father.

The sweetness lies in that I am obeying and leaving to go where my Lord has called me. The joy in obedience is incredibly sweet; knowing that my actions are pleasing God, that they have order and purpose as I step out in serving Him, worshipping Him and proclaiming and glorifying His name in this new way. It is this I must cling to, and also remember that with some partings there will be new meetings - an adventure lies ahead...

God be with you till we meet again;

By His counsels guide, uphold you,

With His sheep securely fold you;

God be with you till we meet again.

Till we meet, till we meet,

Till we meet at Jesus’ feet;

Till we meet, till we meet,

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Neath His wings protecting hide you;

Daily manna still provide you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

With the oil of joy anoint you;

Sacred ministries appoint you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

When life’s perils thick confound you;

Put His arms unfailing round you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Of His promises remind you;

For life’s upper garner bind you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Sicknesses and sorrows taking,

Never leaving or forsaking;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Keep love’s banner floating o’er you,

Strike death’s threatening wave before you;

God be with you till we meet again.

God be with you till we meet again;

Ended when for you earth’s story,

Israel’s chariot sweep to glory;

God be with you till we meet again.

(Words by Jeremiah Rankin)

A Visit to the Farm

"When we despair of gaining inner transformation through human powers of will and determination, we are open to a wonderful new realisation: inner righteousness is a gift from God to be graciously received. The needed change within us is God's work, not ours. The demand is for an inside job, and only God can work from the inside. We cannot attain or earn this righteousness of the kingdom of God; it is a grace that is given." -Richard Foster

The quote above surmises perfectly the lesson God has been trying to teach me of late. 

Frustrated at the plateau I appeared to have reached, I have been trying everything I can to keep moving forward with God, knowing there is so far to go and so much to learn and understand but not knowing how to get there.

From left and right have come the words: "Stop trying, just be", "relax in God", "stop striving", "slow down" and on it goes. I've been brought up with the mentality that if you want to move forward, that you have to do something about it - "God helps those who helps themselves". Well I have yet to find that in the Bible and God has been showing me that is not his way.

The more I learn of God, the more I realise how much more there is to know of Him - I'll never know it all, I have a very big God. That is both an amazing and wonderful thing and for me has also been daunting and frustrating at times. In this realisation, I had moved from a place of pride to inferiority - neither is a good thing. I'd moved from being able to see the growth achieved to seeing my inadequacies and imperfections and doing everything I could to improve and change.

Change and improvement in and of themselves are not bad or wrong, but because of my understanding that for those things to occur I had to do something, I was continuously faced with a conundrum: I'd say, "Lord, I want to surrender all to you, have you lead and guide me. I want to learn how to better hear from you - now, how do I go about doing that?"

It's ironic when you think of the meaning of surrender: to let go, to relinquish control. But God has been making it clear to me that it has got to come from him. Just like we can't do anything to earn salvation - that was achieved through Christ; so I have to allow God to do the work in me, being confident that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6).

I had become frustrated at my lack of understanding/ability to allow this to happen, because simply doing nothing didn't work either; so thankfully God stepped in.

This weekend I visited a friend on a farm. It was a fun and special time sharing with an important friend and allowing God to minister to me in his way. Surrounded by beautiful mountains, varied wildlife, a relaxed atmosphere with an unhurried pace and no pressure, simply a chance to explore my surrounds, myself and my God - He was able to speak to me clearly and I listened. 

Indie - after a chat and a cuddle
we came to an understanding.
A sweet girl.

What a way to relax and unwind!
Brrrrmmmmmmm...

In a moment of calm & quiet, my friend
allowed me to take certain liberties.

Clarina knows how to make the best of some
nice hay and a beautiful day.

One of the more normal faces
that was seen this weekend.

Two good friends.

A spectacular moment captured on film!
As I nearly face-planted, something held me back
and kept me from getting dunked.
So it is with God.

I have returned from the farm with a new understanding, a new sense of peace and some wonderful memories. Now to simply be with God, walking in His disciplines as I put myself in a place where God is able to work within me and see where his path continues...
    

Moments

"You are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things." -Christopher McCandless, Into the Wild

I absolutely love watching God work and particularly enjoy it when he uses me in his plans, that I get to see small parts of his plans and workings in not just my life, but also in others lives!

As I shared earlier, the past week has seen me getting out of a spiritual slump of sorts. Strengthening my awareness of God and what he's doing, I have had the privilege of seeing the beginning, middle and ends of various journeys. It's also special how often they link up - that one meeting flows from another or that you'll be made aware of a few people sharing similar circumstances and as you see parts of one, God uses it to show you how best to approach the next.

I was recently part of TeenStreet, a 6 day camp aimed at Christian highschoolers (ages 13-17). For 6 days, life consists of a main meeting where the teens are taught the principle of double vision: loving God (through God time - prayer and Bible reading, walking the narrow path, and having a net of mentors, peers and people to disciple around you) and loving others (serving, supporting and sharing your story). This is backed up with quiet time, small groups, activities/games and worship. The small groups were 6 teens and 2 leaders; this was an incredible time of sharing about God and seeing them learning about him in different ways and coming to know and want him as a bigger part of their lives.

Through TeenStreet I have also formed some incredible friendships for life. This week, one of the campers from TS opened up and shared about some of the challenges he has been facing over the past few years and how he feels that God has been setting him free, culminating at TS!

Another perk of being involved with something such as TS are the connections you can make. I was invited to help out at Shift2010. This was a Christian youth music event with over 3000 teens in attendance! Twice during the night, a gospel presentation was made through the Lifehouse Skit (if you have a few minutes, check this out it is incredibly powerful and moving) which was then explained, a testimony was given and the youth were offered a chance to respond. I had the privilege of praying for the first time with 2 teens that I had earlier connected with at the TeenStreet stall we had been running.

At school this week, I had a spare hour where I was able to connect with one of my students. I am not allowed to proselytise at school, however if a student asks a question then I am free to answer. This girl was asking about Christianity, what is prayer, sharing her journey and asking how Christ fit into that - I was overjoyed to be able to answer her questions and share with her!

A friend I haven't seen since highschool reconnected with me this week. She is going through interesting times, having declared herself a lesbian and living with her girlfriend (15 years her senior) and her girlfriend's 2 children. As we shared about our lives and she discovered that I follow Christ and yet had continued to talk with her even though I know about her choices, she has started asking questions as to why that is and many more things about God.

As we make ourselves available to Christ's leading in our lives, we will be part of special moments and see incredible things. I hope I have been a blessing to some of these people - they have certainly been a blessing to me! What special moments has God been showing you recently?

Back on Track

Christopher Robin: "There now. Did I get your tail back on properly, Eeyore?"
Eeyore: "No matter. Most likely lose it again anyway."



It's so good to be talking properly with God again. Though really, I was still hearing from Him, reading His Word, thinking and talking about Him, reading Christian autobiographies etc. Funny how all that can be happening yet I know I'm not precisely where He wants me. I suppose, looking back, that if this is me feeling far from Him then it's a huge improvement on what was. But there's always room for more improvement!

Thankyou Lord for giving me someone with whom I can be quite open and transparent. I've always felt that I have to appear "put together" at all times although I'm definitely not, and that God's the only one who can see what's really going on - and only because He's God, not because I've actually been telling Him everything.
It's kind of odd, really; my circle of friends would tell you I'm very open and generally share easily about things that many or most people would consider quite deep and personal, yet I still feel that this week I've opened up properly for only the second or third time ever. Thankyou, friend :)

I've discovered that I really enjoy writing; whether it's just journalling or writing this blog (however infrequently that may be!). It's a time where bits and pieces of the tangled mess can be taken, placed on the table, sorted and put back in an orderly fashion. I always learn something in these moments and often see a tiny piece of God's puzzle.

It's good to be back.

Barriers or Not

I have just finished reading a fanfiction story. While normally that fact would be something reluctantly spoken of, perhaps even with a tinge of embarrassment, sometimes a jewel falls into your lap. Such was this story for me tonight. The story drew me in and kept me reading until the early hours of the morning, not willing to put it down. I knew it was amazing, not because of the hundreds of books I have read or because I only found 2 spelling errors in all 24 chapters (unfortunately, quite a rarity on a fanfiction site!), but because of the emotion it evoked in me.

I could feel the characters pain so intensely and the incredibly analytical mind of the author writing the analytical minds of the characters challenged me to not only appreciate the story and the writing and everything else, but to have a look at myself and my life and a myriad of things within. However what struck me the deepest, was the question that for the author to write so incredibly, in such detail, with such accuracy and reality - what has she faced in her life? What has her journey been? To be honest, I stopped periodically to think about that and to feel for the author - not pity, but to question, and to hope that she has faced what needed to be faced and emerged on the other side in one piece. Arriving at the end of the story, the resolution has mostly reassured me that if she isn't yet okay, she soon will be; perhaps the characters' journey was also partially hers - even if only in emotion rather than actuality.

However this story and all that has come with it has brought up an issue I've been faced with a few times in the last few months in particular: when someone else is going through or has gone through challenging times, and there is nothing I can do to help, how to react, empathise, etc etc - I can't even find words, that's how inept I feel. It has come up so many times in different situations with different people and most likely will continue to do so and quite often where God is taking me that this needs to be dealt with, or at least I need to come to some sort of understanding or conclusion, I believe.

The intense pain I feel on their behalf when hearing or realising the pain that others have experienced, and for some it is accepted as normal. Maybe to them it is, but I still feel that it shouldn't have to be. As I think through it, I suppose this is a questioning of God of sorts, of why people have to undergo such ordeals and pain. I know I have no right to question God and there are many things I may never understand or get a satisfactory answer to, however the injustices do not sit well with me.

So with this knowledge, then I turn to the fact that even though I cannot understand or change these things, how do I sympathise/relate/... to these friends and people on these topics? Will I be allowed in deeper, trusted with these things??? Without going through similar hurts and hardships myself, I'm not sure I can. Yes, I've had one or two massive hurdles that seemed more like giant brick walls at the time and many smaller ones that are simply part of life, but nothing to the extent of some situations.

On the other hand, do I need to? I can empathise where possible, be angry at injustices, but in the end, what is needed? What is wanted by the other person? From my own experience, sometimes simply a sympathetic and listening ear is all that is needed. Yes, our experiences can shape us and become part of who we will become yet they do not need to define us. Accepting a person for who they are currently and who they can become in Christ, listening and loving - if that is not enough then I don't know what is.

Ultimately, I cannot forget that my God is a big God. For every situation and relationship that He places in my path, He equips me - never giving me anything I can't handle WITH Him. And that is really all that matters.

Mistakes

?

something realised, something lost

then something found, but perhaps too late.

can it be fixed, can it go back to what it was, can it ever be more?

realisations that a little can be enough, it doesn't have to be all or nothing

never forgetting, but ever forgiven?

In God's Hands

Hmm... realised that as part of the purpose of starting this blog was to keep people updated on what was happening with my journey on the ship, that I should probably updated as I have now been officially accepted by both OM Australia and the team on the Logos Hope itself! Yay.

And so continues the next part of the journey. OMA sent a book out called 'Friend Raising' by Betty Barnett. I haven't yet completed it, but it's a very interesting read so far, talking on the concept of building/maintaining relationships and that any financial support that comes from that is simply a blessing, putting money into its correct place - far, far, down the ladder of importance (another blog to come on this topic, I think).

As one of my concerns had previously been maintaining relationships with those back home during my absence, this book is a great help. Building and maintaining relationships is something God first began to really push to me when in Melbourne during the original pre-field training for OM. A large part of the book actually deals with communication and maintaining relationships - something of more concern and importance to me than the finance, as I'm sure that if this mission is truly God's will then He will provide therefore the finances are not resting heavily with me, rather a chance to see God work and His glory to prevail!

So far, I think the biggest thing God is using the mission for - even if I never actually go - is my parents. Not yet believers, they are very much struggling at the moment. Only just accepting that "maybe this God-thing isn't a phase anymore" (after four years - what a very long phase!), to then hear about the plans for the ship and all that entails... Firstly, that their only daughter will be going away from them for 2 years - this, they would have gotten over eventually; it's not like I haven't lived out from under their roof for two years already. Secondly, however, that I want to go with a Christian organisation to spread the word about something they aren't sure actually exists! And thirdly - and perhaps this concerns them the most, I need to pay to do this trip. $1500/month over at least 2 years is quite a large sum and without having faith in an awesome God to provide (He's proven His faithfulness in all things including finance to me many times already), this greatly worries them.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

Aside from all their concerns however, the opportunities to discuss the mission trip, what it entails, why I'm doing it, who God is, what He's done in my life and more about Him - these are all subjects now discussed quite often at the dinner table, for the first time ever. Praise God. They are never easy discussions - I don't like my parents looking at me as if they are contemplating whether a mental institution might be a good idea and mum has openly said she thinks I'm partially brain-washed - however God is being discussed in this house!!! I gave them a copy of Lee Strobel's 'A Case for the Resurrection' this Easter with the hope that at least one of them will actually read it.

God has had His hand on this family for awhile now - how else does a young child of non-believers get sent to Christian summer camp for 5 years running!? How does a man have intensive surgery near his brain with only 20% chance of success and come through completely unscarred? How does a man get healed from cancer - if not for God? God's been prompting me in this area for awhile now and whenever I've gone to make a move, something massive happens that causes me to withdraw. This situation has made me increasingly aware of the battlefield and the spiritual warfare that we are in whenever we move to further God's kingdom.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

-2 Cor. 10:3-5.

God is moving in my household. It may take time - maybe years, however I have every faith in Him who sees all, knows all, loves all. Right now, He is calling me to step up in this fight and if you have a moment, I'd love for you to pray for my parents and feel free to keep me accountable on the steps I'm taking with them as God leads.

God Cares About People

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. - 1 John 4: 16-19



People. Apparently God's best creation. Also His most frustrating one! God cares about people. He cares about them when we can't. Sometimes that is the only reason we can care about people is because He does. The caring doesn't make it easy to get close, to push past barriers, to open ourselves up; that is our own choice, but God does the caring.

About a month ago now, God did something that was new to me. He often brings new people into my life, but never before has He told me to hold onto someone, not to let go, that He had brought them into my life and me into their life for a reason, to care for them NO MATTER WHAT. I knew straight away that it wasn't going to be easy. I love this person wholeheartedly, but already in this short period there have been some ups and downs, a real rollercoaster and that's not going to stop. However some of the lessons I have learnt through their life and in walking life with them - a tenacity for God, what it is to hunger for Him, what real joy is and how it can only come from God. That He is our only hope and strength, to really think for myself, to consider others more, to consider other viewpoints, to truly understand the need for God in each of our lives in a way more real than ever before, and that's only part of it.

People have their limits. I'd never come across someone's before. I hadn't before felt the need to try to understand someone at that level. Another new experience. It was harder than I expected. Confusion in not understanding, a struggle with wanting to understand, respecting boundaries, hope that ground can be recovered - that I've not gone too far, regret for pain caused, asking for forgiveness.

It also brought up the question about what my limits are and where they are to be found. In this last month they have been pushed as much as they have up to this point and when approached in a caring matter by someone whom I trust, it appears those gates are flimsy indeed. I am yet to discover whether that is bad or good. It is slightly daunting to have seen another's barriers and to realise what has caused them to be so. Dare I wonder what God has in store for me in the future? James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Does the lack of real trials in my life mean I am immature and incomplete, and/or is it an indicator that those trials are yet to come?

It is a joy, a struggle, a privilege and a journey, a journey that God has made clear is not to end. God doesn't give up on people, therefore I won't give up on you either, as long as He gives me the strength and love to continue.

Psalm 139

¹ O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

² You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

⁵ You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

¹³ For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.

¹⁹ If only you would slay the wicked, O God!
Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.

²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD,
and abhor those who rise up against you?

²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

All of You, none of me

So... I went down to Melbourne for pre-field training last week. Perhaps the best and the most challenging week of my life. They taught us much on purpose, however what I came away with was so much greater than that - the experience was the sum of it's parts, really. The parts consisted of 11 people whom God had called to mission and the OM families who taught, supported and befriended us. Alongside those people, we spent a week in God's presence.

We came together, united by the same God, worshipping Him, learning from and sharing about His word, discussing His works in our lives and those around us, all there for the same purpose with the same heart. Everything during that week was offered up to God; our lives, hearts, bodies, thanks, praises, worship, time. It was a discipline, yet I know that for me personally, there was nothing else I'd rather do - now and forever; and I'm pretty sure it was the same for all of us there.

In Luke 9:28-36 Peter, John and James went up the mountain to pray with Jesus. The transfiguration of Jesus must have been a huge spiritual experience and in fact they wanted it to last longer - Peter suggested setting up tents and "camping out" for while. This period of time in Melbourne was a mountain-top experience and I did not want to leave that mountain-top and have had struggles while coming down. What God has constantly been reminding me of is that it's not about me, it's about God. Just like a cloud overshadowed the disciples, our personal feelings need to be overshadowed by our true worship (24/7) of God. And just as God said, "This is my Son, my Chosen, listen to him," we need to also give our ears and hearts to what God is saying. Spiritual highs are all about praising God, not about us. But I'd like the closeness to God that happened during that week to stay always.

I totally understand that, as the essence of what I learnt this week was that it's all about God. But how to come down off that mountain-top and put that to work in our earthly lives. The experience was so amazing and God's revelations have been awesome (as I pray they will continue to be) but how to share that with others? No-one else can truly understand if they weren't on that same mountain top with you and sharing your walk as they had their own.
How does one go about sharing an experience like that with others who weren't there? To maintain a renewed mind in Christ while walking on the earth here and now? There are the mundane things that happen in life; bills need to be paid, shopping happens and a myriad of other such things. They don't seem very spiritual, but I'm learning that it's your attitude and having Christ in your thoughts as it happens.

He lived on earth in human form - he knows what it's like and did it all while maintaining that constant connection to the Father. Jesus lived in constant availability to God and so should we. We need to learn a way of being that is contextualized in a larger frame than the current situation, seeing a picture that's bigger than what meets the eye. By always being a little outside our situation, we are actually made more available to be present to the situation; this is an aspect of the freedom we gain by dying to self and becoming alive to God.

More of You, less of me - all of You, none of me, Lord God.

How does one do that? Pray constantly, immerse myself in His Word (Psalm 119) and constantly be asking questions of God. Lord that I would have the eyes to see and the ears to hear, not only what is actually said and shown, but the true picture of what You know is going on. I pray for an overflowing of Your Holy Spirit in my life, that I would be a bucket to be moved and the overflow would wash onto anyone with whom I come into contact - that You in me would rub off onto others. Lord I pray that as I am with others, that they would not be seeing and talking with me, but with You. "Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." Psalm 25:4-5

Beginnings

God has given me a burden for those who can't defend and look after themselves - particularly children, sharing His love for them through me. Since I came to know God a short four years ago, day by day I learn more, understand more and that brings even more questions but with it joy and excitement, faith, hope and also a responsibility. A responsibility to share God with the world. Knowing what a joy and privilege it is for me, how could I deprive others of that? So for the first step of this journey in sharing Jesus with the nations, I'll be stepping out onto a ship that travels through many different countries with the goal of bringing knowledge, help and hope to all who cross our path.

I've been struggling for awhile now with getting deeper - into God's presence and Word and my understanding of that, and deeper into relationships with others. While at pre-field training for the ship, God gave me many small keys into unlocking that area. He's shown me in just a few short days how life-changing it can be, not only for myself but hopefully for others as they see Christ in me. It's only the beginning of a long but very exciting yet challenging journey that is never to end! Part of growing in that, through a friend God showed me a blog can be a way of keeping accountable in my growth with Him, while also presenting yet another opportunity to share more about Him - that hopefully any readers will learn with me as God teaches me many lessons and also for those who want to follow my time on the ship, to pray for God's ministry and the part that I play within that.

So concludes my first posting. Many more to come as God keeps revealing more about Himself and His will - what an exciting time to come!